I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
