Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
me + whiskey = a bad person
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
