Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
