My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize