if i can run in heels then i can drive
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
