as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
