We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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