My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
