I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I won the penis lottery.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
