Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
