before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
