hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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