No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You ruined the universe
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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