you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
