I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
