Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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