I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
nutella sex= disaster
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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