apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
