mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
