if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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