i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
