What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
