I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
