just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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