Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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