If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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