We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
