Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
