Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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