booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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