i need an iv and a liver transplant
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
