She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
