All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just found puke in my bra..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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