Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
