She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
