i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
