i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
