I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
