he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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