If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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