I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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