he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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