She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
