I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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