so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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