girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
