I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
