Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
