Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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