I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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