I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
