Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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