I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
