dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
