I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
