I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
