some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
