I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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