I'm so fucking centered right now
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
