Porn is love you can see.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
