I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I love you. Go after that dick
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I did not marry a roomba.
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