he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
