Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
