Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
