I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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