you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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